


Freeze Your Brain

by Ameera



Series: G/B Heathers [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Episode: s02e22 The Wire, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 05:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11178282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameera/pseuds/Ameera
Summary: Garak's POV during The Wire with a lovesick Julian trying to treat him.





	1. Get Lost in the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak's POV as Julian tries to help him through The Wire. 
> 
> Inspired by Freeze Your Brain from the Heathers Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAOxJv96VE8

Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into, Garak! Not only did you allow your pathetic addiction to get to this point, but now you’ve chased away the only person on this station that made any of this bearable. Really, a bang-up job. Well done. One really must wonder why you were ever exiled! Clearly a man with your intelligence would be invaluable. Truly, you still seem so damned loyal to Cardassia that you insist on torturing yourself, which would undoubtedly make Tain happy. Can’t let that traitor live out the rest of his life in peace, can we?

 

Why did Julian have to be a doctor of all things? If he were in security, engineering, or really any other position, it would have been easier to avoid the subject of his health. Garak hadn’t wanted to leave lunch, but Julian wanted to take him to the infirmary! What was he supposed to do? Let the doctor scan him so that he could say: “My, Garak! You seem to have a device in your head! I can’t remove it or do anything about it, but aren’t you glad I’ve at least learned something?”

 

Garak sighed at the thought of the charming young doctor trying to somehow find a silver lining in this situation. Julian seemed to have a happy talent for… well, being happy. Maybe it was natural for a misanthrope like Garak to be drawn to him? Maybe it was those damned massive eyes of his? Maybe Garak had some masochistic desire to be there when Julian learned the harsh realities of life, or, maybe he wanted to see if anyone could remain happy even though he’d been doomed to tragedy.

 

It was unlikely that Quark could get a replacement for the wire, but Garak was desperate. He’d hated having that conversation with the little creature, despite previously not minding the man greatly. Everything was irritating to Garak lately, except Julian, which was by far the most irritating thing of all. Probably because Garak was desperately trying to think of other ways to stimulate the pleasure centers of his brain, and sex would be the most obvious.

 

But Dr. Bashir? In bed with a Cardassian? No Starfleet officer conscious of their career would ever consider it. Especially not with Garak, a highly suspicious man who Bashir probably viewed as old compared to his stunning youth. He wanted to take that young man and teach him a thing or two about the stamina of an older man. Of course, Garak couldn’t help but fear that he would be inadequate. After all, Julian was clearly athletic and well-practiced in the art of lovemaking. Now he was just wallowing in self-pity, as if that were anything new, so it was only natural that he’d find himself at Quark’s.

 

Maybe Odo would just come in here and kill him? Now _that_ sounded appealing. He was on his third bottle of Kanar and he was still unable to stop the pounding in his head. Now, if Quark could shut up with his incessant whining, his constant “I think you’ve had enough” and whatnot, _maybe_ Garak could have at least gotten some relief. When he glanced around the bar, everyone was clearly afraid of him. Klingons came in here all the time and got drunk, they always caused damage whether they were sober or not, and people hardly feared them! Garak was disgusted at the alien faces all around him and their abhorrent hatred. But there was one alien face that only had warm sympathy.

 

“Doctor! What a pleasant surprise!” And it was indeed. Julian felt like a lifeline in this cold prison. “I apologize for my outburst at lunch but I promise I’ll make it up to you.” In any way the young man liked. It was definitely the alcohol, but Garak decided that maybe there was a chance of them sleeping together after all? It wasn’t like he had anything to lose by humoring the thought. “Please, join me.”

 

“I think I will.” Garak could have melted at that confident smile so close to him now.

 

“What are you doing!?” Garak quickly grabbed the bottle that Quark was trying to remove from the bar. He was hardly going to let this little troll ruin any flirtation with Julian Bashir.

 

“I think it’s a little noisy in here, I prefer to drink somewhere quiet.” The young man had leaned in slightly with a smirk, his tone suggestive and mischievous. Now Garak wasn’t going to melt, but his heart was beating fast and he couldn’t suppress the wide grin on his face.

 

“An excellent idea!” He studied Julian’s face. He could have had him right there on the bar if it hadn’t been for the fact that he wanted to get away from everyone else so desperately. “We’ll go to my quarters.” Would it be possible to simply have the two of them transported directly into bed? No, but that certainly would have been appreciated.

 

“Whatever you want…” Julian began to walk with him. This was happening! Garak was genuinely thrilled in this moment. “But first, I must make a stop at the infirmary.”

 

“The infirmary?” Garak could have snapped his pretty little neck he was so incensed. “My dear doctor, what kind of fool do you take me for?” He laughed to mask his rage. “Now give me back my bottle.” He didn’t wait for Julian to protest. “Give me my bottle back!”

 

Garak didn’t remember what happened directly after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos please! My computer is being a mess but there should be another chapter tomorrow~


	2. The World Doesn't Owe You A Cent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak tries desperately to convince Julian that he's not worth saving.

 

“It was never meant for continuous use.” Garak cursed himself for beginning to tell the doctor what was going on. But he’d never experienced pain like this before and that young man’s eyes were pleading with him for information. This was actually an interrogation tactic Garak had employed in the past, putting the victim through horrible pain and then making it seem like he wanted nothing more than to end their torment.

 

“Continuous use? I don’t understand.” Of course he didn’t understand. Julian had no reason to despise this place. Oh, it may have been built by Cardassians, but Deep Space 9 was clearly a Federation station now. No, worse… it was _Bajoran._

 

“Living on this station is torture for me.” Garak couldn’t stop himself from listing his many complaints about the place. The cold, the lights, the Bajorans… How had he ever been able to stand it?

 

                He knew the answer to that, of course, it was the reason he was in this mess in the first place. Despite the horrid pain and the repulsive pity that Bashir was gracing him with, Garak couldn’t say he regretted his decision to abuse the implant. He’d needed something to numb his mind from everything around him. Garak’s own thoughts had turned spiteful and he’d been urging himself to end it all. His options, it had seemed, were to either kill himself or end his mind from thinking freely. Being a trained survivalist, Garak had chosen the latter. He didn’t regret the addiction to the wire, though he did regret not humoring the other option instead.

 

“I hope I haven’t shattered too many of your illusions.” Now was the beginning of the end. He’d told Bashir a believable lie that would seem appalling to any Federation citizen, especially one as tender hearted as Bashir. Garak knew now that he would no longer be viewed as worth saving, allowing him to die in peace.

 

                Why then? Why had Bashir not faltered in his caring? How was it that this sweet, simple young man could both be horrified by Garak’s alleged previous actions and also still care deeply for the other man? Could this truly only be professional courtesy? It had to be. Garak must seem to be a monster in Julian’s eyes. The worst part, was that thought may have hurt Garak more than the wire itself did. He didn’t want Julian’s hate, pity, or fear; he wanted _Julian_ in no uncertain terms.

 

                Garak longed to hold that warm body against his, to run his fingers through that seemingly soft hair, to make that very human voice moan with desire. But now it was over. Not only was there simply no way the doctor would find a way to save him, but he must resent Garak for his perceived crimes. Maybe the doctor had always disliked him for the horrors he could assume a Cardassian brute would have committed, maybe he had only ever spent time with Garak as a curiosity. And now, again as a curiosity, Julian was going to try and save this pathetic man. But it had to be out of curiosity, Garak knew he didn’t deserve any affection from him.

 

He could only hope he wouldn’t reveal anything too compromising while going through with withdrawal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to add the link to the song in the first chapter before so check for it now! It's an excellent song. Also, thank you so much for all the comments and kudos, I love them! And yay, my computer is working again! 
> 
> Sorry for how short this chapter is, but there will be more up tomorrow.


	3. Love To Get Lost In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak feels this is finally the end and he cannot grasp why Julian cares so much about him still.

“Oh, you’ve done enough, doctor. More than I deserve.” Garak smiled up at the young man who truly had given him so much. Not just in light of his recent deterioration, but in making his day to day life on this station bearable. “There’s something you need to know.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“The truth.” Of course it would be another lie. It had to be another lie.

 

“I’ve about given up on learning the truth from you.” And that was the point. The first story was an admitted lie, but the second came in the heat of the moment. Oh, there were lies in it, there would always be lies, but it had the most truth. He couldn’t let Bashir know that he enjoyed his company, that this young man was the only thing he had to look forward to. He couldn’t bear to think of the pity mixed with disgust he would receive.

 

                The story of Elim being his friend and betrayal seemed like it would be painful enough to recount, that it would be believable that he hid it for so long. However, it had nothing to do with Julian and it cast doubt on the truths he did tell. This was an insurance policy, to keep Garak in the shadows and make sure that the young doctor would miss him as a friend and not look back on their time together as a pathetic old man desperate for his affections.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Julian was searching his face, Garak had to keep it still and unchanged.

 

“So that you can forgive me.” Forgive me for being so weak. Forgive me for letting myself care for you. “I need to know that at least someone forgives me.” He couldn’t help it, he held his hand out. If he were going to die, he wanted to feel that warm young man one last time. He wanted Julian to choose to touch him, instead of him touching Julian. He was rewarded with the firm grasp and warm smile the doctor gave him.

 

“I forgive you.” Garak felt his insurance policy had worked. “For whatever it is you did.” No. He didn’t believe the story? He sensed that there were still lies? So he’d continue to wonder and continue to search for answers? A wave of panic came over Garak but it soon subsided with one thought.

 

_It doesn’t matter. I’ll be dead soon._

 

 

“My dear doctor, they’re all true.”

 

“Even the lies?” How could Garak say, “the one thing I told you as ‘truth’ was the purest fiction, but the things I admitted as lies held the most honesty I have ever been capable of” without betraying himself? How could he attempt to continue this flirtation, the one thing he has now that the wire had been removed, without ruining everything?

 

“Especially the lies.” Garak smiled at the doctor who smiled and laughed back. The one nice thing about the brightness of this station was the twinkle that was constantly reflected in Julian’s large eyes. It perfectly encapsulated how Garak felt about Julian. He was beautiful, but something he could never have.

 

“You know…” The smile faded. “Recovery is not going to be easy. I’m ready to help you in any way I can, and I’ll be discreet. I know you don’t want to be viewed as weak.” Julian leaned over the table slightly, pleading almost. “And you’re _not_ weak.” Oh doctor, if only you knew.

 

“Thank you, doctor, but I’m sure it won’t be necessary.” Garak dismissed. He knew this was professional courtesy, that Garak was only gaining priority in the doctor’s concerns because he was a patient.

 

“Of course.” Julian scoffed, leaning back in his chair. “But if it _is_ necessary?” The young man was agitated, clearly not pleased by Garak’s evasiveness.

 

“I will alert you.” He conceded. Garak studied Julian, thinking about who he was and how far he’d gone for Garak. “If I could give you a piece of advice, doctor?” Julian raised an eyebrow. “You had better start building some walls.”

 

“I’m sorry?” Julian looked genuinely baffled.

 

“No matter what I told you about myself, you continued to help me…” How to continue this warning without making Bashir afraid of him… “But there are others you shouldn’t help. You say you forgive me for whatever it is I did, but there are some sins that mustn’t be forgiven. Even by idealistic young Starfleet doctors.”

 

“So you’d have me not do my job?”

 

“Going to Enabran Tain was hardly your job, doctor.” Garak challenged. “You need to build barriers for yourself, lines you will not cross for people. Otherwise the sky will come crashing down around you and no one will be there to fight for you.”

 

“There’s something called gratitude, Garak.” Julian straightened with a smile. “No matter how badly one person betrays you, it only takes one friend to protect you from the pain.” Julian leaned his elbows on the table and looked Garak directly in the eyes. “After everything, wouldn’t _you_ fight for me?”

 

“For saving my life?” Garak had to gulp down his surprise at the sudden intimacy of the request.

 

“After _everything_ , Garak.” The words held some deeper meaning. He couldn’t just be referring to their lunches, which was hardly a reason to risk yourself for another person. Garak wanted to believe Julian was implying something romantic, but he knew it must just be their friendship that has developed.

 

“I suppose I would fight for you.” Garak ventured. Why not give that answer? If it’s only about their friendship, he does hope Julian considers him a friend. Julian’s face lit up with delight which he quickly tried to hide with a cough. There was really no subtlety to this man.

 

“Then I would fight for you.” They shared small smiles and continued with the meal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 will begin upload tomorrow! Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoy! I'm so pleased with the response so far x3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos if you enjoy!  
> I hope this chapter uploads okay, my computer is out of commission for a bit so I'm uploading this from my phone.


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